What I Really Meant to Say
by Kaira Fire-Demon
Summary: SongFic When Cloud finds himself in the middle of a strange dreamlike world, he is forced to relive his past and come face to face with all the pain he has put his loved ones through...


Warning: Major spoilers! If you're planning on seeing Advent Children, but you haven't yet, then you've been warned.

This is my first attempt at a song-fic. It's to the song "Cold" by Crossfade. Hope you all like it! Oh, and by the way, it's suppose to take place during Advent Children, just after Cloud defeats Sephiroth/Kadaj. The part where Loz and Yazoo...kind of blow everything up. Including Cloud, who now finds himself ... well...dead. And don't quote me on any of the parts from the movie. I did my best to go back and get things word for word, but the lines are slightly different in the English and Japanese versions, and I'm using quotes from both. So live with it. And please leave a review, I would greatly appreciate it!

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**What I Really Meant to Say **

Cloud didn't know what had happened. Last thing he remembered, he had been standing on top of one of the high skyscrapers of Midgar. He remembered something about fighting Kadaj... Sephiroth...Loz and Yazoo...Materia...A big explosion...then everything went black...no...everything went white.

_Where am I? _Cloud thought to himself, looking around at the walls of vast, white nothingness. "Hello?" he called in vain. "Tifa! You there?" Suddenly the white flashed into a familiar scene...Nibelheim... Cloud stood there, shocked and confused as hell, starring at...himself!

_((Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right.))  
((I never stopped to think of you.)) _

There before him, stood a fourteen year old version of him. _I remember this day,_ Cloud thought to himself. _This is the day I told Tifa that I was gonna leave to join SOLDIER._

"Cloud..." the young Tifa said. "I know that you wanna be like Sephiroth, but do you really have to join SOLDIER?"

"I don't _have_ to, Tifa. I _want_ to," the teenage Cloud answered, all while the actual Cloud stood and watched...completely dumbfounded.

"But what about _me_, Cloud! Isn't it a little selfish of you to just take off with barely any notice?"

"This isn't about you! And I'm not doing this because I want to be like Sephiroth," Cloud lied. "I'm doing this for _me_, to prove to myself that I can." He turned to face away from her. "Ugh...I didn't want this to turn into an argument."_  
_  
_((I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win,)) _

"Promise me something?" Tifa said after an awkward pause of them being mad at each other.

Cloud looked up at her from where he was sitting. "Yeah, what?"

"When you're a hero and you become famous, promise me that if I'm ever in trouble...you'll come save me."

Tifa smiled at his senselessness. "You'll be like my knight in shining armor." She glanced up at the thousands of stars glistening above the small city of Nebelheim. "I've always wanted to know what that would be like."

_((You are the antidote that gets me by))  
((Something strong like a drug that gets me high))_

"...Alright...I promise."

The real Cloud just watched as Tifa and the younger form of himself sat and watched the stars. He smiled at the memories of that day, but hated the thought that maybe it really _was_ selfish. Suddenly a bright light blinded Cloud of his vision, and once again his whole world went white.

_((What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am))  
((I never meant to be so cold...Never meant to be so cold)) _

Cloud felt light headed as the bright walls around him made his head pound. He looked up again through squinted eyes to see that the white nothing was once again warping into a familiar scene...this time it was Midgar...five years after the burning of Nibelheim.

"So that's what happened, was it Cloud?" Tifa said as she sat next to Cloud at the bar counter of the Seventh Heaven.

_Tifa, _the real Cloud thought to himself. _...and me...again. This was the day that Tifa found me at the train station in Midgar. I had just gotten back from escaping Shinra Mansion with... _Cloud sighed heavily. _...with Zack._

"Well, either way, Cloud...I'm just so glad that you're okay."

"Yeah..." was all he said in response.

Cloud stood watching Tifa and himself wondering if it would be possible to strangle the other "him" for sounding so careless. _Yeah! _Cloud thought. _That's all you have to say?_

_((What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am))  
((I never meant to be so cold)) _

Tifa looked away from him and sighed. Then looked back up and him and smiled, as if forgetting all the pain she had ever felt...that he had ever _caused_ her to feel. "You're really here..." she said in disbelief.

"Yeah," Cloud said again, looking up at her and smiling. "I am."

The Cloud from the future sighed with relief. "Well, at least you redeemed yourself a little bit," he said aloud, shaking his head at his own self-centeredness.

_((Never meant to be so...)) _

Suddenly...Tifa and her bar faded away...and all was bright with pure white. Cloud sighed loudly knowing what was going to happen next...another scene of another memory... probably involving Tifa. But why was everything centered on her...? Cloud decided not to read much into it.

Sure enough, another scene began to unfold...the Highwind, an airship that had originally belonged to Cid Highwind but was taken from him by ShinRa Inc. The team had regained the ship after stealing it back while in Junon Harbor.

Cloud looked around at all of his "friends." Everyone was there...Barret...Cid...and, of course, Tifa. Everyone...except Aeris.

_((Cold to you. I'm sorry about all the lies))_

"So..." Tifa began. "It was all a lie... You were never in SOLDIER. You _were_ at Nibelheim five years ago...and yet you weren't...not in the way I thought you were... It was all a lie."

Cloud could almost feel the pain and disappointment in her words.

_((Maybe in a different light you could see me stand on my own again))_

"...Tifa..." the Cloud of the past replied, to ashamed to say anything else.

_I'm sorry..._ the real Cloud thought, his head bowed in utter disappointment of himself.

_((Cause now I can see...you were the antidote that got me by))  
((Something strong like a drug that got me high))_

Stuck in his own thoughts and paying no attention to his surroundings, Cloud was rudely awakened from his depressing reminisce when his world instantly grew white for the fourth time. Cloud bit his lip in annoyance. _Damn it...when is this gonna end?_ "How the hell do I get out of here?" he frustratingly shouted.

_((What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am))  
((I never meant to be so cold...Never meant to be so cold))_

Cloud's world of total white light flashed into another familiar scene...Tifa's Seventh Heaven. He was standing in one of the back bedrooms on the second floor of the bar. And there in front of him...of course...was Tifa and himself.

"You have...geostigma...don't you?" Tifa said to him. "It's okay to just give up and die. Is that what you think?" Tifa paused for a moment and waited for Cloud to answer... He didn't. "So it is."

"There is no cure..."

_((What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am))  
((I never meant to be so cold...Never meant to be so cold))  
_

"Yeah, but that's not stopping Denzel from fighting. Don't Run! Lets fight it together. We can help each other, I know we can!" Tifa hesitated a moment, staring at Cloud with a sad expression, the real Cloud just watching from the back of the room, invisible to Tifa's eyes. "...I guess that only works with...real families..."

"Tifa..." Cloud answered her. "I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family...Not my friends...No one."

_((...I never meant to be so cold...))_

A bit of time passed, a few conversations exchanged. Reno and Rude had returned from their search for the missing children.

"Kadaj's gang took the kids," Reno had told them.

"They're at their base now," added Rude. "The Forgotten City."

"Can you go?" Cloud asked them, standing up from his seat on the bed. "I have to talk to Rufus."

"Stop running!" Tifa suddenly interrupted him.

_((I never really wanted you to see)) _

"I know," Tifa continued. "Even if you find the kids, you may not be able to help them. Maybe something will happen that can never _un_-happen. That scares you, doesn't it?"

_((The screwed up side of me that I keep))  
((Locked inside of me so deep))  
((It always seems to get to me))_

Both Cloud's, the Cloud from the present and the Cloud that he was dreaming up in front of his eyes, were just standing there...listening to Tifa make this long heartfelt speech. Neither one wanting to admit that she was right...but both of them knowing she was.

"Look at you! You think you've got it so damn hard!" Tifa said bluntly, watching Cloud flinch at her scold. "Well, you hate being alone, so let people in. Sure you might not answer the phone...but I don't see you throwing it away either."

_((I never really wanted you to go))  
((So many things you should have known)) _

"You go," Reno said after a quick, quiet argument with Rude. "The base is all yours." With that, the real Cloud watched the two men leave the room. And he was once again left alone with Tifa...and this not so old version of himself...which he was starting to hate.

After a moments hesitation, Tifa spoke again. "Which is it?" she said to the Cloud she could actually see. "A memory or us?"

_((I guess for me there's just no hope))  
((I never meant to be so cold))_

Those lasts words Tifa spoke echoed in Clouds mind as his world faded once again to a blinding white, and he now found himself in the center of the Forgotten City. For once...Tifa wasn't here. This time, he saw Marlene...Vincent...and himself.

"Vincent," the dream-Cloud called. "Will you bring Marlene back to the bar? I'm gonna go see Shinra and get a few answers."

"I can't do that," was Vincent's response.

Cloud tried to speak again. "But I– "

"Forget it, Cloud!" the little Marlene interrupted.

_((What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am))_

Marlene glared at Cloud, angry and hurt both at the same time. "Why don't you ever pay any attention to _us_!" she yelled, running over to Vincent and hiding under his crimson cape.

_((I never meant to be so cold...Never meant to be so cold)) _

"Marlene..." the Cloud of the near past tried to convince her. "Please...give me some time. There's a battle to be fought, but it's not as simple as just fighting it. You see?"

"No, I don't!" the girl said angrily from behind the cape.

_((What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am))_

Cloud watched as he once again got himself into a horrible situation with a loved one, and once again didn't know how to get out. His world turned white, and inside his mind everything was just as blank with confusion. _Please..._ Cloud thought. _Don't change into another memory. I've already seen more than enough._ "I know I'm a horrible person, so what more are you trying to tell me!" he yelled loudly. "Just let me go back to them...so I can have a second chance...third...fourth... whatever number I'm on now..." Cloud felt tears welling up in his eyes, but quickly fought them off. He already felt awful inside, the last thing he wanted was to feel like a wimp. "But maybe that's just me being arrogant again," he said, referring to the tears that no longer threatened him. "Or at least, that's what Tifa would say. ...Tifa..."

_((I never meant to be so cold...Never meant to be so cold))_

Cloud felt a pain in his head. It was subtle, but still noticeable. He fluttered his eyes open to see kids standing all around him. Was this another illusion, he asked himself. No...this time it seemed real. He was floating in the middle of a small pool of water, inside of Aeris' church. He stood up in the water and looked around at everyone: at the children, their families...and at his friends...Tifa...his family. After being reminded by Nanaki that some of the children still had geostigma, he walked up to Denzel and carried him into the water.

Cloud felt a little absent-minded while all of this was going on, his mind still in the world of memories that he had visited. Cloud sighed aloud as he thought back on everything...as he thought back on Tifa, an expressionof sadness andregret on his face._I never...meant to be so cold..._

"Cloud," Denzel said, waking him up from his thoughts. "Are you alright?"

Cloud looked up at Tifa who was smiling at him with the same warm smile she always did. If Tifa could be that forgiving of all that Cloud had done, why shouldn't he be that forgiving of himself? He looked then at Marlene who smiled cheerfully at Cloud and Denzel, knowing that Cloud would make her friend okay...would make everything okay, just like she always depended on him to do. If she could depend on him so much, why shouldn't he be able to depend on himself? _Well, I should be able to,_ Cloud silently told himself. _And maybe I finally will._

"Yeah," he finally answered Denzel's question, looking down at the boy and smiling. "I think I will be."


End file.
